Every time I say goodnight...

Everytime I say goodnight...

I am acutely aware that another day is gone.

I feel the loss of every moment that I wasted focused on something other than what really matters, stretching all of the way back to the day my first son was born. And, I want to just sit and hold them...for hours. The last thing I want is to put them in bed, tuck the blankets around them, and walk away. Even after a long day...I hesitate.  "Why?" you ask? 

Because, I know how fast graduation day arrives...and I know what it feels like to stand there, with an aching lump in your throat...wishing with everything you have in you that you could go back to bedtime, back to when he was just 5 years old... crawl in that little bed...wrap your arms around him and read that story "just one more time". 

I know how hard it is to watch them leave, excited for their future, but aching to hold them close to your heart for just a little longer. To realize that from now on, you face holidays with no guarantee of having the pleasure of their company. To regret every moment you spent being impatient, or brushing off questions because you were "too busy" or had "important" things to get done.  

And, here...now, with my littlest ones, I look into their beautiful shining eyes... And, it is everything I can do, in the name of a healthy routine and discipline...to say "Goodnight my sweet Angel Baby...I love you, I will see you in the morning!" and close the door.  And, without fail...stand in the hallway...pause...feel that tug...nearly irresistable, and want to go back into that room of stories and snuggles and sleep and stay just awhile longer... Because I know exactly how quickly morning comes. And just how soon I will be gazing into those eyes... and instead of another "Goodnight" I will say "Goodbye my sweet Angel Baby...I love you, I hope to see you again soon."