Are you out there?

Are you out there? Are you dreaming, Mama? Do you hope to have a child? Does your heart ache? Do songs about motherhood and adoption cause tears to fall? Do you throw out desperate prayers that cause your heart and your mind to engage in day long wrestling matches; with your heart saying "No, no! God can do ANYTHING...I may not know how He will...or that He plans to...but, I KNOW HE CAN!" and your mind replies(at least mine did) "Jeanene, you are not going to be on Oprah as the woman who miraculously grew a new uterus!"  

If so, I think I may know you...maybe not perfectly(there is only One who does, anyway)...but, I know you...I know the ache...I know the dream. I've uttered the crazy prayers...had the desperate moments.  I know how impossible it can seem and how hard it can be to imagine! (Trust me, I am still working on wrapping my mind around this!) I'm telling you... I understand the longing...and, I still can't fully grasp how I got from those desperate dreams...the tears...all of it, to mommy to two toddlers trying to figure out *how* to do this!LOL!  

If any of that sounds familiar...you, are the reason I am writing this blog...I want you to know that anything is possible...I want to side with your heart and echo those sentiments "No, no! God can do ANYTHING!!"  Because, He can... " I hope my experience will encourage you to keep walking...keep knocking on doors and seeking answers. Your child is out there. I say that with total confidence...Your.child.is.out.there. How do I know that? Because that ache...that longing...the dream? That is not just you. That is God...that is a calling. He is moving you...He is feeding that desire and that dream because He has dreams FOR you...and for your little one to be. He or she may not even exist(in our dimension) yet...his or her birthparents may not even know that this child is out there in the future yet...So, let me tell you a little bit about how I know this.  And, then stick with me...cause I'm gonna try to tell you what it's like on the other side of the dream, too... feel free to take a look around...I do have an older post(recent, but older than this one!LOL!) that covers some of the beginning of our journey to Adoption.  There will be more where that came from...

Welcome. And, God bless you in your journey!

Just an ordinary day...

Just another day...today was just another day in life. 

When we first started to realize that the dream of adoption was about to actually collide with reality...we were in disbelief...I can't even tell you when it actually started to *feel* real...the entire experience was so completely different for me...and as a result, I lived for nearly two years on this ride...this roller coaster...and nothing was "normal"...and the buzz words were "I guess we'll see..."(I got SO sick of those words!) I could not begin to fathom life as the rightful *mother* of two toddlers(even as I could not imagine my life *without* them!)...my heart squeezed in my chest whenever I thought about the possibility of losing either of them...again, there was nothing "normal" or "ordinary" about my life...

 But, today was ordinary...another day...there have been a string of them lately...ever since we finally adopted our little ones. Occasionally I still stumble across something that reminds me of how extraordinary this has all been(like the reminder that I STILL need to get down to the social security office and get their new cards...and go to the doctors and officially change their names on their records!) Other than that...we have developed a routine...and I am starting to have this sneaking suspicion that life is about to get "normal"...and, for all of the WONDER and GLORY of what God has done in our lives...today...I am the mother of two very, very "normal" healthy...typical...loud...somewhat defiant and reaching for independence...occasionally annoying(I did not know a human being could *reach* those particular vocal heights when screaming! And, often...directly into my ear!)...toddlers.   I don't know why I would be surprised?! I have had four children...helped care for several others...and yet, I find myself looking at them and thinking "Oh my gosh! I am a mom again! And, they are *SO NORMAL*!!! LOL! I am sure by now you get the point...what I am referring to as "normal" could also be referred to as "aggravating"...or "mundane"....maybe, some days...even "tedious".   Again, why the surprise? My best guess is that, because of the way God went about bringing these two into our family...because it was NOT the "normal" or "typical" route...somehow, I grew accustomed to living in the constant upheaval AND in an acute awareness of the miracle happening around me...living with the implied threat of loss over a years time with two very beloved children...I was acutely aware of every strand of hair on their heads...of every breath on my cheek...constantly memorizing their faces and hoping I would not have to say goodbye....and now...I am settling back into that place where we honestly live most of our lives...and I have to remind myself that (as my sister says) "This is a miracle"...really, if you think about it...it's all a miracle...all of life...there are miracles that we blithely walk past on a daily basis without so much as a glance...seriously, be honest...we do it all of the time!  And, the truth is...I would like to say that I have managed to stay in that place where I am acutely aware of the miracle that I am living every single day...but, apparently, that state of mind can sustain only so many blow out poopy diapers... HUGE temper tantrums(theirs and mine... )...moments of wrestling to create a solid routine(and paying the price for not sticking to it!)...sensory issues...therapy and just plain normal toddler/mommy *moments*...and then...you re-enter the "normal" zone...the land of  the mundane. I for one feel guilty at the end of the day when I am SO relieved to tuck them into bed and just breathe for awhile...it's as if my heart believes that because I wanted this SO badly...because it is such a dream come true...because I am SO BLESSED...I have no right, no business, feeling the normal stuff that mommies feel...like I should never get frustrated, or tired...or overwhelmed...or afraid(that I will do it all wrong and cause horrid attachment disorders, or some such thing)...but, the reality is...I do...I feel all of those things...and sometimes I forget that God chose us to parent these kids...which means He plans to show up and help us do so. He already knows we are not equipped to do this alone...this is no surprise to Him.  So, tonight, I will settle for the level of awareness that I do have...I am aware that I am blessed...and I am grateful for my sweet little ones...I am aware of how quickly time is passing and how desperately I want to love them well...I am aware that it is far better to spend a day on the floor with my little ones than it is to spend it bleaching my kitchen or folding yet another load of laundry. (even though I FEEL with every fiber of my being that I SHOULD be cleaning and doing laundry) I *am* aware(if not acutely aware). That will have to be enough for today. 

A New Year...

This last year has been mind blowing. I keep thinking I should be writing all that has happened...granted, it's tough to find the time or energy to do much more than care for two toddlers at one time...add to that the silence in my head...and you have my current dilemma. A desire to share all that God has done...to make some attempt, however feeble, to wrap my mind and words around all that has happened...trying to wrestle as my mind races from one concern to another...one task to another...thoughts tumbling over thoughts in my head...the thing is...when I try to piece things together into something worthy of sharing...you could hear a pin drop. Is this writers block? Or just exhaustion? I keep hoping that if I show up...God will open the flood gates and point me in the right direction...for now, I will focus on gratitude...and a couple of photos of our beautiful little darlings this first holiday season as official members of our family(on paper...not just in our hearts!)

This was our sweet Isaiah boy a year ago at Christmas time...he was nearly 6 months old and we were still living in the land of "he is not your child" while wading through court dates and drama...we were already SO in love...but, had to learn in a whole new way how to just live one single moment at a time...because they could have called to say he was being moved any day, at any time...the same holds true for Zoe girl...pictured below him...she was only 1 and a half months old last Christmas...we fell SO fast...

 Isaiah 5 1/2 months old

Zoe 1 1/2 months old

The following are photos of Isaiah and Zoe this year during their first Christmas as official members of the Michelsen family!! It still just blows me away how much they can change in one short year!

Isaiah, he will be 18 months old on January 10th, 2013

Zoe girl will be 14 months old on January 7th, 2013.