But, having said that...I want to be a creative mom, too! Like any other mom...I want to really engage...make Peanut butter play dough...and get on the floor and have real face time...I want to color Easter eggs and bake cookies and play "gonna git you"...and "tickle monster"...I want to soak them in and love on them...I just know by now...I can't do it in any "ideal" sort of way...there is nothing "ideal" about my life...not one thing. My house needs a fresh coat of paint in the worst way...my dogs share their hair with EVERYTHING...and dust bunnies abound...and abound, and abound. It will all happen eventually...juuust not right now! I have better things to do with my time...
So...if all of that is undone...what am I doing? This....
And....this...
This child is simply intoxicating.
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I want to LIVE IN my moments. I do not want to let a single one of them pass me by without squeezing the juice out of it. I have already lost too much time worrying about things that may never even happen(or that I have no control over anyway).
And on that note, this morning I managed to grab hold of one of the many thoughts fluttering around like butterflies in my mind. This one is a new thought on an old truth...It's not like I don't "know" this already (after all, one of the unique opportunities presented by parenting a second batch of kids is that you are already living with the *regrets* over things you did not do the first time around, and cannot change, no matter how badly you would like to have the opportunity for a do over). Anyway, I had not yet thought of it in exactly these words; while I stand here and ponder the size and number of our problems...still unsure of the actual impact those problems may, or may not have. I just *spent*(willingly handed over, threw away, used up) the only resource I have right now that truly matters to me. Time. I *spent* my time on thoughts about something that I have no control over, that has not happened yet...*this* moment does not require a response of me on that particular issue. It can wait. I could not "respond" in any constructive way right now if I wanted to...period.
So, why do I sacrifice moments when my fears are not a part of todays reality? The only things that are real, in each moment...are the activities specifically required of that moment; and the people sharing the moment with you. It is NOT procrastination to let tomorrows concerns sit *out* in the future...on their appointed day, rather than gather them to myself in this moment. I will not be any better prepared to handle them until I am facing them in the moment and God provides the clarity needed to address them at that time(I've never personally known Him to give me answers before I need them). In *that* moment...out there, on that appointed day, I will be required to take action. But, here, now, there is nothing I can do, or need to do. And, there are a whole lot of "moments" between here and there that look like*THIS*
and this(yes, he is staring in wide eyed wonder at the dust particles floating in sunlight...kids know how to do moments...I just need to let them take me with them when they do...)
And definitely this...
...why would I willingly give up every one of those moments in between now and the moment that I have not reached yet; and frankly, why would I WANT to trade this, for facing that when I don't I have to yet? Why would I do that? Good question. Better yet...how am I going to make certain that I remember this...because, for whatever reason, realizing it in exactly *these* words has struck a chord where nothing else quite did before now... worry is an old habit.
We are already nearly 17 and 21 months into the two beautiful little lives that God has placed before us. We are witnesses, and as I know from personal experience...we cannot go back and "re do" anything we have missed thus far. *That* is a sobering thought.
Do you ever struggle with wasting your moments worrying about things that are out of your control? What do you do to try to stay in *this* moment?
Do you ever struggle with wasting your moments worrying about things that are out of your control? What do you do to try to stay in *this* moment?
I realized while journaling on my first step around my marriages. Plural. THat I am powerless over men. Whodathunkit? So... if I'm going to go into the next relationship, if there is one, embracing my powerlessness to change or influence this man, what kind of man would I choose?
ReplyDeleteThat is serious food for thought...in that case...you would look at your list, and either you would wait for a man who has everything on the list of character traits, or you would go INTO it knowing that you were choosing to drop some of the items from the list. That would have a tremendous impact on expectations going forward.
DeleteJeanene,
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you found my blog, but I'm so glad you did so that I've now found yours. :-) Thanks again for all your thoughtful and encouraging comments. I LOVE all your pictures. I'm so jealous! I invested in a decent camera a while back, but I really need to MAKE the time to learn how to use it properly. I'm lazy and typically just grab the iPhone for a snapshot here and there.
I can so relate to the part about wanting desperately to be the mom who makes playdough (or sensory bins or shaving cream paintings or homemade Montessori alphabet cards...), but some days, I can barely manage to get us both dressed and fed, and I only have ONE toddler. And girl....I can SO relate to the dog hair and dust bunnies. (We have a Sheltie and a Cavalier spaniel.)
I'm always struggling to find ways to "stay in the moment." Let me know if you find the magic button for this. :-) At this moment, I'm ignoring grad school responsibilities to read some great blog posts and say to another mom, "I think you're awesome!" Not a bad moment. :-)
Hi, Camille! I found yours because I was searching for other mom's who get it...I believe I searched "Foster Adoptive blogs" and "adoption blogs" either way, I really enjoy yours! Funny, I think I posted somewhere in there that I had no idea what I was going to do with mine...been praying about it. Well, since looking yours(and a few others) over, I guess you could say I found my inspiration(or God was just ready to move, I don't know) I'm happy with the way it's coming together.
ReplyDeleteOMGoodness...you get it exactly...sensory bins(see, peanut butter play dough...that was my attempt at anything remotely sensory!) geepers, hadn't even thought about shaving cream pantings...although, I have been reading on some preschool techniques!lol Right now(literally) I am ponder another piece on foster care...and mentally trying to figure out how to take two toddlers to the playground for the first time by myself...reaaally, not sure about that one. I'm considering trying to get one of them happy in a backpack while I chase the other around for a bit, and then switch. It's the one thing about having "twins of sorts" that I had never thought about...how do you DO these things without another pair of hands? If I could just wait for the weekend and have hubby's help, I probably would. But, he just had shoulder surgery...he isn't going to be lifting/catching anyone for a long time(at least until August)so...I gotta figure something out. There is a lot of summer ahead! ;-)
Ah...the camera...almost forgot that part. I am considering an iPhone(later this month)...maybe I will use it more for the impromptu stuff, easier than dragging my full frame around the house so I have it on hand!lol. I actually have two(essential for weddings)...I need to get them in for cleaning/tune up soon...one at a time, mind you. I'd go nuts without it. I have the Canon 5d Markii...what do you use?
I like the way you stay in the moment! Haha I think you're pretty awesome yourself...Thank you SO much for the reply! No magic button so far...just one foot in front of the other! I guess we just put together one moment at a time and hope to eventually have long strings of them!