Just an ordinary day...

Just another day...today was just another day in life. 

When we first started to realize that the dream of adoption was about to actually collide with reality...we were in disbelief...I can't even tell you when it actually started to *feel* real...the entire experience was so completely different for me...and as a result, I lived for nearly two years on this ride...this roller coaster...and nothing was "normal"...and the buzz words were "I guess we'll see..."(I got SO sick of those words!) I could not begin to fathom life as the rightful *mother* of two toddlers(even as I could not imagine my life *without* them!)...my heart squeezed in my chest whenever I thought about the possibility of losing either of them...again, there was nothing "normal" or "ordinary" about my life...

 But, today was ordinary...another day...there have been a string of them lately...ever since we finally adopted our little ones. Occasionally I still stumble across something that reminds me of how extraordinary this has all been(like the reminder that I STILL need to get down to the social security office and get their new cards...and go to the doctors and officially change their names on their records!) Other than that...we have developed a routine...and I am starting to have this sneaking suspicion that life is about to get "normal"...and, for all of the WONDER and GLORY of what God has done in our lives...today...I am the mother of two very, very "normal" healthy...typical...loud...somewhat defiant and reaching for independence...occasionally annoying(I did not know a human being could *reach* those particular vocal heights when screaming! And, often...directly into my ear!)...toddlers.   I don't know why I would be surprised?! I have had four children...helped care for several others...and yet, I find myself looking at them and thinking "Oh my gosh! I am a mom again! And, they are *SO NORMAL*!!! LOL! I am sure by now you get the point...what I am referring to as "normal" could also be referred to as "aggravating"...or "mundane"....maybe, some days...even "tedious".   Again, why the surprise? My best guess is that, because of the way God went about bringing these two into our family...because it was NOT the "normal" or "typical" route...somehow, I grew accustomed to living in the constant upheaval AND in an acute awareness of the miracle happening around me...living with the implied threat of loss over a years time with two very beloved children...I was acutely aware of every strand of hair on their heads...of every breath on my cheek...constantly memorizing their faces and hoping I would not have to say goodbye....and now...I am settling back into that place where we honestly live most of our lives...and I have to remind myself that (as my sister says) "This is a miracle"...really, if you think about it...it's all a miracle...all of life...there are miracles that we blithely walk past on a daily basis without so much as a glance...seriously, be honest...we do it all of the time!  And, the truth is...I would like to say that I have managed to stay in that place where I am acutely aware of the miracle that I am living every single day...but, apparently, that state of mind can sustain only so many blow out poopy diapers... HUGE temper tantrums(theirs and mine... )...moments of wrestling to create a solid routine(and paying the price for not sticking to it!)...sensory issues...therapy and just plain normal toddler/mommy *moments*...and then...you re-enter the "normal" zone...the land of  the mundane. I for one feel guilty at the end of the day when I am SO relieved to tuck them into bed and just breathe for awhile...it's as if my heart believes that because I wanted this SO badly...because it is such a dream come true...because I am SO BLESSED...I have no right, no business, feeling the normal stuff that mommies feel...like I should never get frustrated, or tired...or overwhelmed...or afraid(that I will do it all wrong and cause horrid attachment disorders, or some such thing)...but, the reality is...I do...I feel all of those things...and sometimes I forget that God chose us to parent these kids...which means He plans to show up and help us do so. He already knows we are not equipped to do this alone...this is no surprise to Him.  So, tonight, I will settle for the level of awareness that I do have...I am aware that I am blessed...and I am grateful for my sweet little ones...I am aware of how quickly time is passing and how desperately I want to love them well...I am aware that it is far better to spend a day on the floor with my little ones than it is to spend it bleaching my kitchen or folding yet another load of laundry. (even though I FEEL with every fiber of my being that I SHOULD be cleaning and doing laundry) I *am* aware(if not acutely aware). That will have to be enough for today.