Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Filling the gap ~ Part 1

So, there is this gap right between the "getting licensed" and the "adopting two babies at once" phases of this blog. That gap, is called foster care. It's a gap because you are not allowed to say much of anything. And even if you could say some things, it was hard to find coherent words while we were living it...I erred on the side of silence for this period of time. 

Becoming a foster parent is like moving to a whole other planet. A parallel existence, and not always a pleasant one...ok, not often a pleasant one(in terms of the system)!  Don't get me wrong, there are some really wonderful moments in foster parenting. The "family" side of it can be a great experience! And the impact you can make on the life of a child is of innumerable eternal value. But, the actual, day to day reality of working within the foster care system, dealing with visitation workers, caseworkers, and birthparents...not so much.  

Now, before I go any further, let me clarify...I am *not* trying to talk you out of foster parenting.   I just know from experience how very little I understood about what it would truly be like. So, what I want to do here is "Arm" you with something a little closer to realistic expectations, ok? Ok.  ~  I'm waiting for the *click*. Once I know your seatbelt is fastened, we'll hit the road!

I am going to really take my time writing this piece, and it will be *long*.   I believe it's important experience to share. 

Sometimes I feel "unqualified" to share on this some of this, because we experienced the "ideal"(for those who are dreaming of adoption)the miracle, the dream outcome(X 2)...not many people do.  I always feel like I should issue a disclaimer before telling our story. I want to give you hope, because I believe that even if you have one of the nightmare stories(and, oh...have I heard them)if you stick it out, and follow where God leads, you *will* live out your dreams...and your kids will find you! But, you need to know your story may look entirely different...most of them do. Really, all I can do is give you *my* personal experience, and what I saw/heard of the experience of other foster parents along the way, even if I did not live it myself I listened closely and watched carefully, and I found some pretty common themes!


When I first thought of foster care(with the eventual goal of adoption)...I felt my heart squeeze in my chest.  What we really wanted was an infant...we would have loved to adopt an already legally free infant. But, we had heard that you will only get older kids through the list of those who are already legally free(unless you come across a large sibling group who's newest member is tiny...even then, no chance it will be a newborn.) So, we thought about private adoption, thinking it might be "easier"but, quickly thought, "no, wait...hold on, cause the reality *there* isn't much easier...you can sink thousands of dollars into the care of an expectant mom, only to have her exercise her right to change her mind at the last minute...leaving you with nothing but the excruciating loss of dreams, possibly even the loss of an actual child that you had home with you for weeks until she changed her mind."  Ok...so...we wondered, how about International Adoption?  Hmmmm....we did our research, you face ALL kinds of adjustment issues, possible attachment issues, and that is ALL if you can get the funds together to get *started*!  There is NO easy route to adoption. Period. And tons of kids here in our own country who NEED families.  We wanted to adopt. And we wanted an infant(many people do) and most folks will tell you that your odds of getting a newborn infant from the hospital who stays with you through foster care, to adoption...are teeny...tiny...very, veryvery small...and they are(I still don't get how our story happened. I guess that is what makes it a miracle!)I say this, because parents will work harder(even ones who normally wouldn't) for a newborn...and some relatives have a nasty habit of letting foster parents handle the sleepless nights and withdrawals of a newborn and then agreeing to take the child just about the time they come out of it and hit that adorable 4 or 5 month old stage, or worse, after you have had the child for nearly a year(Be sure to read #6 in Filling the gap, Part 2, coming next Sunday soon)! 

And yet, we felt very strongly that this was where God was leading us. So, we pressed on, and we put down the age range of 0-2 years in all of our paperwork...and hoped for the lower end of that range. Then we started feeling nudges to study the care of drug exposed newborns(most newborns who come into care at birth are exposed to many things in utero!). It was a good thing we did because both of our kids have one level of exposure or another(there is NO such thing as a perfect baby. Just sayin'.)



What I *thought* it would be like(and how I have seen many, many couples approach adoption through foster care).

I'm not proud to admit it but, I think on some level, I expected the caseworkers to be thrilled that we were coming forward to "solve their problem" by adopting one of these little ones who would have issues with drug exposure, and might struggle developmentally. Um, yeah...that is *not* how it works. The goal from DAY ONE is reunification with the parents(from here on, I will just refer to that as RU). It is the caseworkers mission; their job, their passion(if they are new)to give the parents whatever tools they need to get back on their feet and reclaim their children.   Now, that sounds logical, it does, but, let me tell you, when you are fostering from a place of wanting a child, from having an empty spot in your heart...it's really easy to just sort of mentally dismiss this. After all, as far as you are concerned, you and your hubby could give this child a MUCH better home than his parents, even if they did everything on the case plan and tried really hard (I repeat, I am not proud that I ever saw it this way. I am just admitting what I know (looking back) to be true of my attitudes coming into this. My view of the whole thing has changed with experience).  And, often, they don't...in fact, you may find yourself wondering how it is that, in any other area of life, if a person assaulted another in that manner, they'd be facing jail time. But, in the case of child abuse they are given a case plan, free housing, food, training, and counseling. Trust me...that *feels* as warped as it sounds, even when you do NOT already love the child but, when you do. Well, it's crazy making. There is NO question that child would be better off with *most* people than with someone who deliberately harmed them. Well, at least, there is no question for the rest of us but, as far as the folks who work in the system...well, that is a different story. In fact, it has to be. Even if you get a really good caseworker; and even if she believes YOU are the best thing to ever happen to that child, and the parents decide to relinquish...she *still* has to do what the department tells her to do. If that means she moves the child elsewhere, against her better judgement...then that is her job. It sucks.  But, it's reality.


Continued in Filling the Gap ~ Part 2

5 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for sharing the information you have with those of us who are just at the beginning of our long journey. I think this post is very well written and thoughtful. I learned A LOT from it!!

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    1. Thank YOU, Nella! I find it very encouraging to know that it is helpful! It *is* a long journey...hang in there!

      I just posted Part 2 to that post...it's not fun to read...but, hopefully it will be just as helpful in preparing families for the realities of foster parenting!

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  3. A whole other planet! That is the truth. The Youth Villages (foster care agency here) is FINALLY coming to do our home visit on Monday. We've finally finished all the classes and paperwork hoops. So much of what I've learned and seen over the past few months is, as you say, crazy-making. I'm so glad that things have worked out in your situation; your babies are beautiful! Thanks for you honesty in sharing your experiences. :-)

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  4. Indeed...I'm working on another post...inspired by a recent conversation...it's changing my perspective on foster care...doesn't change the reality, though! I am grateful for the miracle that we experienced...there is simply no other way to explain what happened. But, I am stricken by the way the story typically goes for everyone in foster care. I've seen all sides of this and it is heartbreaking. But, more on that later! ;-)

    Thanks again for stopping by! I'm loving the community I have found in the world of blogging already!

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Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! I look forward to reading your perspective! Blessings, Jeanene