Roller Coaster...

It is amazing how the emotions in this whole experience ebb and flow!  One day remembering that God is bigger and He has it all mapped out is a simple matter...easy! The next, there are so many details and factors involved that it is hard to believe that it could possibly work out!   

I have requested prayer for many different things...the one I haven't really touched is what this feels like. I have my dreams. God has His plans...and there is NO guarantee that the two will blend together...None. So, today is one of those days when I remind myself of Whom I love more...more than me, more than my life, more than any one of His children that He might choose to send our way. I trust Him to do what is best. Does that mean I believe He will do what I want or that it will be easy? Far from it! No...it means I believe He will be right there walking me through it and none of it will be without a reason...I have to lay my dreams down at the foot of the cross and remember that there is not one thing I can do to control this...and if He never gave me another breath, I have already had so much more than I could ever hope to deserve...and then, I need to remember that He loves me. He is generous. He is kind. He has a good plan. 

So, once again...I am reminded of Who has all of this mapped out...Whose child this is and Whose child I am...how He works, what He says in His word about standing and waiting on Him for provision...in fact, I remember that day back in September when He told me in no uncertain terms that He is here and He is paying attention to every detail...even the ones that no one else can see...I may not know exactly what He was telling me...not without being presumptuous. Except, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was telling me how much He loves me...and that He understands me better than I understand myself...some of you may remember it...

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It was one of those moments...I have not had many moments quite like this one...but, it was one of those moments when you know He's here...He's in this place, holding your hand...and He touches your face and says “ I love you so much more than you can understand”...

We were in the Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist in Spokane, Washington...it was breathtaking! My lovely niece Trista and I had been here before but we were restricted to photos of the outside of the cathedral...tours ran from 11-2pm each day...it was 3:00...for two passionate photographers who are just as passionate about gorgeous buildings, places of God and history and holiness, this had been a tough break...today was different...today I arrived at 11:20 am...my view into this place robbed me of breath...the next hour was spent in what I have come to call “photo seizure”. The light was incredible...the stained glass was so beautiful...the shadows were captivating...at the end of our visit, I was waiting for an opportunity to take a particular shot of the cathedral from one end, looking towards the pipes of the organ in the back of the cathedral...there were several people milling around...being me, I wanted a shot with no one in it...a silent moment to remember Whom this place was built for...after waiting for several minutes, I decided to let this shot go and we packed up to leave...after we left the building, I turned to photograph a door that had caught my eye on the way in and saw everyone leaving! All of them were walking out the door to their cars across the street...that is when it happened...I had no idea what God was doing or that He was doing anything at all...

I re entered the building and made my way to the front to capture the shot that I had been longing for...a kind gentleman whom we had spoken with upon entering the first time moved quietly across the frame of the photo...he did not see me there...I continued to frame the shot...completely unprepared...it is amazing what music will do to a person...as I stood there, alone, soaking in the powerful sense of history and God's presence...this man, thinking he was alone, sat down at the grand piano and began to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata........I nearly dropped to the floor right where I stood...it was all I could do to back up several feet and drop to the steps at the base of the alter and put my face in my hands...I held my breath for several moments...the music filled the room....the room filled my eyes...the light, the color...the shadow...and the inescapable knowledge that no one else would have known...Only God knew what happened 15 years ago yesterday...or what that song meant to me...fifteen years ago September 24^th...that was the day that we lost our baby girl Mikaela Lohelani...that was the day they told me that her heart had stopped beating and she was no more...there was nothing I could do...

When I had first learned I was expecting a daughter, I purchased a cd of the song...all through my pregnancy with her I had listened to Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata dreaming of sharing the music with her...I played it wondering, at what point she would be able to hear the sound...wondering if she would share the same passion for music that I held inside...wondering, if like me, she would press her ear to the stereo speaker at 3 years old because she could not get close enough to the music...wanted to be inside of it...to feel it press against her skin and flow inside her lungs...and here I was...no one knew, I had not pointed it out to anyone, not even Kelly...I had just quietly acknowledged it and let it go...fifteen years is a long time...but, today, on the steps of the alter...listening to a live, God ordained, performance of the song of my heart for my daughter...fifteen years disappeared in a moment...and, now, it was mixed with a knowing...and a sense of being known...what I heard today was that eternity is waiting...she is holding her breath...and one day when all of Creation is redeem in an instant...we will see Him...I felt as if God Himself had reached down and stroked my face...wiped away the tears and sat with me on the steps of the alter and listened...all I could do was breathe “Thank You”...

I am holding on to that now...looking back I can see that there was an element of this journey to adoption that picked up speed on those steps in that cathedral...He affirmed the desire that He has placed in my heart...I began to dream and pray in earnest starting right then.  It does me good to write down that memory...to keep it in my heart and mind so that I remember that no detail escapes His notice...not one.

Thank you for reading...and Thank you for praying with us! We will just keep taking steps and trusting.