Life

I had a ticket to eternity for years and years…I knew I was ‘Saved”…from age 16 to probably age 48…so, 32 years of my life. Sobering thought, really. Because, while I would have said I loved the Lord and I knew the Lord…I was not surrendered. If my life in Christ were an engine, I was stuck in neutral…revving the engine for all I was worth, and getting nowhere.  I was just skimming the surface of all that is ours in Christ. And, I was not truly free on any level! I was not living the abundant life He gives to us by any stretch. I was deaf and blind and numb…I was still buried under enormous anxiety and pain and anger…rage really…so much fear. I was still trying to control circumstances around me in a thousand ways every second of every day. I defined myself by what I *thought* others were thinking of me. I was exhausted and angry and sad and lonely and just plain worn out. I managed to love others on occasion…On a good day I was “plugging along”…basically stumbling through. 

In this last year He has unveiled SO many of the truths I had heard over and over and over and over and over ad nauseam. You know “my burden is easy and my yoke is light” or “keep your eyes on Him and you can walk on the water and not sink.”  Scripture has come ALIVE for me…He has taken everything I thought I knew and turned it upside down! All of the things we are taught by the world from a young age…it turns out the exact opposite is true! It has been uncomfortable and challenging and SO GOOD!

I started to really wake up about 12 months ago. It was gradual…a peeling back of the layers…scales falling from my eyes. I began to learn the truth and the power of declaring that truth over my life and standing on it…I began to see Who I really am in Jesus. I began to experience a wrestling match between my own will vs simply resting in being one spirit with Jesus. That truth is mind blowing in a good way!

Since January, wow! I had begun to pray for passion, and fire, and desire, and the ability to truly LOVE those around me deeply…with my life! I cannot even describe how different my world is now. It’s hard to put into words…but, I’m gonna try…this has been a gradual change, and there is always the rest of the race to run…but, this is what I am aware of now…

I used to be in the dark, I am now in the light. That is the simplest description…I used to live in my head, mulling over a thousand thoughts and ideas(1800 tabs open in the operating system at all times. Always trying to figure it all out), now I live here…in the present moment…eyes on the truth of who He is and WHO I AM in Him! Excited for the future… (I cannot even explain how HUGE that is for a woman who lived for years dreaming of the day it would all be over)!

I used to want people to just go away…now I can see them through His eyes and love them without allowing myself to be exhausted by them. 

I used to fight hard to get out of bed every day and hold on(picture grasping at the end of a rope) until I could get back in and just sleep. Now I wake early…genuinely excited to have time to soak in His presence before I walk out the door into all of the moments and have to share Him with everyone else. I know He goes with me…but, I really need that time alone with Him before I have to do life with others…even though I am now in a place of being aware of His presence the entire time. I can’t say I always enjoy sharing!lol I prefer time one on one with Him!  I am genuinely disappointed if I don’t have several hours with Him one on one each morning. That blows my mind!

*Please hear me on this…that is NOT ME…that did not start with me! It is not something I generate within myself! That came from asking Him for hunger and passion and then watching Him create it and lead me through it! It is the product of falling madly in love with my Creator!  At first it was really uncomfortable! I could not fathom time like that with Him before He showed me how. And it probably looks different for every person. I am just sharing what it looks like for me! I am flat out addicted to time in the presence of my God! I don’t want to live a day without it! But, I did not get from where I was to where I am on my own power! Please hear that loud and clear!

And note...I am not saying things are perfect. I am saying things are BEAUTIFUL! <3

I was hopeless…I am full of hope. I was angry(always)…I am full of peace. I was sad(always), darkness churned inside of me…now I am full of joy and light! I was ungrateful, now I am content. I lost patience with my kids and was perfectly capable of saying things that should never be spoken out loud to another human being. Now, I simply yield to the Spirit…He is a much better parent than I am!   

I thought THIS life was all that mattered…but, now I KNOW we have an eternal hope and there will come a day when He truly does make ALL things new.  Total renewal. The irony here was I thought this life was IT…but, I didn’t know how to LIVE in it…to actually BE here. That is where the “pedal to the metal and getting nowhere” analogy really comes in. Now that I understand our eternal hope in a new light...we have a Kingdom to walk in NOW...I have been set free to live in THIS moment with abandon! It’s incredible! I cannot even express how grateful I am for all of it! 

I rest. I am actively resting in Him all day every day. Which is a dichotomy itself…because it is resting AND it is a battle! I have joy AND I choose joy and fight for it! I still have to steward my mind and choose what I will agree with and focus on…but, at the same time, it is SO much easier than how I used to live before all of this! It’s not my job to try to figure everything out. As I said before…that is equal to sitting with a car in park/neutral and putting the pedal to the floor. Utterly pointless and a waste of resources!

This music video depicts it so well…I went from the limping/numb/mostly darkened/tired walking/stumbling and constantly falling at the beginning of this video to the bright/hopeful/energetic and powerful RUN at the end! 

I’m running now and I have no desire to stop! I’m here for the sole purpose of bringing His Kingdom(LOVE) and I am free from striving because none of it depends on me! It starts with Him…it ends with Him…there is no turning back!

And I love the line in this song..."and if the world is listening...this is my confession, You are my obsession!" YES...

I choose joy!  

#burntheships

Amen

For King & Country

Count to three and say a prayer

Down for love and up for air

Underwater, overjoyed

Water for a thirsty soul

Water for a thirsty soul

Baptize me into Your love

Oh my spirits overcome

Body, mind, and skin, bone

Love Him, wanna make it known

Love Him, wanna make it known

I'm comin' alive with You

I'm comin' alive with You

I was livin' a lie 'til you

I'm comin' alive with You

All the people say

Amen! Amen!

All the people say

Amen! Amen! Amen!

Yeah!

Resurrection day is here

Bells are ringin' loud and clear

Caterpillar to a butterfly

Risen to another life

Risen to another life

Yeah, I'm comin' alive with You

I'm comin' alive with You

I was livin' a lie 'til you

I'm comin' alive with You

All the people say

Amen! Amen!

All the people say

Amen! Amen! Amen!

Yeah!

Amen!

From death to life (Amen!)

From dark to light (Amen!)

I'm singin' out tonight (Amen! Amen!)

You're in my blood, my veins

In every word I pray

You gave it all for me

I'll give it all for You

Oh, I'm in love with You

Overwhelmed by You

And if the world is listenin'

This is my confession

You are my obsession

(You are my obsession)

All the people say

Amen! Amen!

All the people say

Amen! Amen! Amen!

Yeah

Amen

From death to life (Amen!)

From dark to light (Amen!)

I'm singin' out tonight (Amen! Amen!)

Yeah

Rest

By the power of Your Spirit
I stand; 
feet planted firmly on Your Word.
Hidden in the cleft of the Rock of Ages
Every promise a solid foundation
Which remains sure and firm beneath my feet
even as I soar
on the wind of Your Spirit
into the dreams You have
ahead
just beyond the vision I have
for today.
Lead on, sweet King!
Lead on!

In answer to the question of evil and pain in the world...

Why does He allow evil and pain, you ask? Ah…well, you see, He doesn't...it was never His idea! We started this. There IS an enemy. And, that enemy is the source of the pain and confusion and chaos here on earth.  Sadly, we aligned ourselves with him in our choices. And, God would not be a God of Love if He interfered with free will.  

Our God isn't just sitting idly by watching and impassive...He partners with us. This has always been the invitation! He commissioned us in Genesis and again in the Gospel of His Kingdom Come. In spite of our choices, He immediately set in place a "Way" for us to be restored to our original authority and dominion! He immediately set in motion the plan of salvation and then Jesus said "I have been given all authority in Heaven and on Earth, now go!"  He gave it back! He said(in essence) "ok, that first shot didn't go so great, but we were prepared for that...here are the keys, get back to it! I am with you! We do this together!! Bring my Kingdom(dominion/rule) on earth!"  

We were always meant to be a part of the plan. HOW could we NOT be? He made us for the purpose of ruling and reigning over His creation! His Creation is an active and living thing!  

Also...my guess is that we made this mess...and any good Parent knows that if we are not invested in the solution we will continue to be the problem! 

The good news IS that WE can bring the Kingdom. It goes so far beyond a “cup of cold water”…we carry the very presence of God within us! And where we go, we take Him...and where His presence is, evil flees and "The Kingdom of God has come near you"! His dominion is the solution...but, we have to bring it, we have to steward it. We have to declare our citizenship in the Kingdom and then carry that out into the darkness! 

The race we run isn’t just a race to the finish line and arrival in a New Land! It is a charge against the tide of evil here. We take ground with His power and the authority He gave us. This is not a passive endeavor, my friend. We are called to be His hands and His feet. HE works through us. We have everything we need in Him…we just need to actually live it out by His power. Starts with Him, ends with Him…BUT…it rests on us. He waits for us. Will you fight? Will you pray? Will you wake up and recognize that this is a war and we are the warriors for THE Great King? 

Get up people. Love. Walk it out. Carry His presence and His love…and if you do not know how, ask Him. Open His Word and invite Him to read it WITH you…ask Him for wisdom and revelation. I guarantee…when you find out who you really are and why we are actually here you will be as electrified as I am and flooded with a passion and fury for Love! 

Go, ask Him!

Fact vs Truth

This may be common knowledge to everyone else. But, for me, this is a revelation that has been deepened in recent months. So, I'm writing it out here for the sake of personal reminder!

So, say I am in a situation where I have(in a moment of judgment or weakness) gone after someone else with my words…I can usually see my mistake with time…I seek and receive forgiveness for that…and I fully understand that somewhere in there, I made an agreement with my enemy about that person(God is not critical. If it is a critical thought, it didn't come from Him). I agreed with some lie about them that I heard whispered in my ear and maybe even in an effort to love them, I spoke it out without love and caused harm. I can see that. I can ask forgiveness and let go of that, knowing that was not actually my heart toward them. Not my true heart…the heart I have in Christ. I am one with Christ. ONE with Him. That is what scripture tells me. 

The way I see it…fact and truth are not the same things in this situation. 

Fact…it is a fact(in that instance) that I spoke words before praying. That I failed to take my concerns to Christ and ask how I could support my brother or sister in prayer. It is a fact that I took it upon myself to set them straight and play the role of "holy spirit jr" to them. I also failed to ASK Him if He wanted me to speak ANYTHING to them what so ever(sometimes He might have an encouraging word for them. Emphasis on encouraging.)

Truth(according to the Word)? The truth is I love them with the love of Christ. Christ in me can bring healing. Christ in me loves them. I can access that love even in rough moments. My humanity may take me on some “squirrelly" detours…but, that is where I will land every time so long as I remain in Him. So long as I stay open to what He has to say to me about that person. I know this to be true in my heart toward others!

However…reverse that(as an example of how we lose sight of that truth when we are on the receiving end)…let's say that one day...

If someone in my world whom I know loves Jesus(just as I do)in a moment of anger, perhaps forgetting for that moment that we are not given discernment about those around us for the purpose of judgment and criticism(a lesson I have struggled with myself), but so that we can pray for them, has spoken that in the form of an accusation in a moment of anger. It may hurt... and in the aftermath of that, blinded by hurt, I might blame THEM for that word…I might find myself fighting “against flesh and blood” rather than “against principalities and rulers of darkness”.   

However, if I stop…if I bring that moment under the blood of Christ and truly see it washed clean, odds are, I will see that this person has a love for me on some level…they were doing the best they could at that moment no matter what it looked like to me. I can trust Christ IN THEM.  This person is a child of God, a reflection of His Glorious Image in some way and if I know them to be seeking His heart…well, then…I need to simply filter what I heard spoken over me through the Word…the truth…take it to Jesus and say “what is true here, Lord? What do YOU want me to learn here?” and then forgive, release, and move on. 

Proverbs 26(ESV)

         2    Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying,
a curse that is causeless does not alight.

It really is that simple(not that I always remember that right away, obviously)…It ONLY works that way IF we will take it to Him and ask those questions, standing on His truth(His definition of who we truly are) and realizing that most of the time people are *trying* to speak the truth in love on some level. Really. Very few people would actually set out to maliciously damage my heart(or yours). Whatever it looks like, you can trust the Spirit of Christ in them to lead them to a safe landing place. But, people are not infallible. Only Jesus is…He is the only Perfect One. He IS perfecting us, but that isn’t a destination we will reach on this side of Heaven. 

And, in the end,  what HE says about me is the ultimate definition of who I am. It’s all about who I belong to.

It's all about who WE belong to.

So…again lets reverse that…What they said is NOT who they are or Who they belong to…is it a fact that they said it? Yup. It may have even felt really lousy that they said it. But, the Truth is that Jesus lives in them and given time He will lead them to the same solid love for me that He led me to for them.  HIS PRESENCE in their life is the truest thing about them. I’m holding on to that. I love my people entirely too much to do anything else.

"Quiet Time" aka {Engage}

Kneel in dirt

wind whipping

eyes stinging

storm approaching

{Day approaching}

lift the bag

{lift The Word}

full of stakes

stability, truth

hammer in hand

squinting hard

sweat dripping {CLANG} {CLANG} {CLANG}

one stake after another

pound deep

all of the way down

Solid, sure

Into Bedrock

Into Truth

Deeper than the wind

Stronger than the storm

Truth {CLANG}

Truth {CLANG}

Truth {CLANG}

His Truth

one by one

My Choice made

My will laid

reality faced

pound them down

into the ground

all around me

{CLANG} Grace

{CLANG} Love

{CLANG} Provision

{CLANG} Goodness

{CLANG} Mercy

{CLANG} Peace

{CLANG} Promise

Hammer rings out

over the clamor

rushing in

unrelenting

Tack down

heavy fabric

this Tent

this Shelter

this Kingdom

over me

{CLANG} His Love

{CLANG} His Power

{CLANG} His Joy

{CLANG} His Blood,

{CLANG} His Sacrifice

{CLANG} His Death,

{CLANG} His LIFE,

{CLANG} empty tomb,

{CLANG} Ascension

{CLANG} Authority

{CLANG} His Kingdom

{CLANG} HERE, NOW

Truth rings out

Fight back

{CLANG} I

{CLANG} AM

{CLANG} SEATED

{CLANG} AT

{CLANG} THE

{CLANG} RIGHT

{CLANG} HAND

{CLANG} OF

{CLANG} MY

{CLANG} FATHER!

Lies silenced

Life received

hands raw

Stand, aching

{THUD} hammer drops

Bag empty

Armor on

Feet planted

Solid Rock

Ready now

~ Engage

Outside of Time...

I spent last night rewatching the "Star of Bethlehem" video on youtube...the presentation is stunning. I needed the reminder. We forget just how small we are...and how greatly beloved!

Most of you probably know that the stars and the planets, all revolving around the Sun, are a precision clock? It is an utterly reliable clock. The math is flawless. They move in a very predictable manner and count down the hours and days of our history.

All of which means that with modern software we can wind the clock back and see precisely where the constellations were at any given moment in time! Pretty impressive, huh? I am fascinated! It's incredible to watch it done...but, the most stunning take away from it is this...

God wrote the story of our redemption in the stars...

Really...terrible poetry of an indescribable love was written in the stars in the moments that it took place in time.

Some of that poetry was not something we were ever going to be able to see while it took place(but, with modern software we can see it "standing on the surface of the moon" and viewing it from there). The heart of the Lamb going dark at the moment of Christ’s death.

The heart of the Artist who is our Creator is so compelling...the realization that He wrote this story in the stars...that He felt the need to express His heart whether or not any human would ever witness it is such a testimony to what an Artist He is. I can relate to that need to express my heart(whether or not anyone ever sees it) because He made me in His image and that is a facet of His image that I bare in my life daily...

But, even more stunning to me...what this means when you sort it all out... is that God wrote that story in the stars before He created them...they were in the design before it all began...the story in the stars bookending 33 years out of the thousands of years in time thus far. Such precision...from before Creation He had already thought it out and planned out our rescue from evil...we “know” that by faith...we are told that...but, not only did He plan it...He placed those stars and set that clock in such a way that the story of Christ's Birth and His crucifixion were told as it was unfolding in history... He knew the day and the hour of each event from before the beginnings of the world. He knew we would make the choices we made in Eden and He had already made a way...already set a time. It is mind blowing! As I said...on some level we “know” these things...but, seeing it actually written out in the stars in those moments is such an incredible gift!

May I remember this when I face the pain and struggles of this life. All of this chapter(which is only the foreword of the greater story) in life is bound by time...and time was designed and set by a Creative Heart beyond all we can understand. He is not only *not* surprised by the events of my day...He knows their real significance stretched out over time into eternity. They really are "light and momentary troubles" in the scope of all that He has planned for me...for us.

To live really IS Christ...and to "die" will be incredible gain.

There IS an unshakable HOPE coming...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hebrews 6:19-20(MSG)

18-20 We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There IS so much more to life than we see here...there is a finish line at the end of the race...our job right now is to breathe, eyes on Him, love His people... and live this life in that love... while we wait for all that is to come.

Time is spent.

Standing at the sink, unloading the dishwasher. I stare out at grey clouds and blue light and think of all of the ways that God has blessed our family, our community. I marvel at the communications I get daily from these lovely people...prayer request, praise reports, plans to meet and spend time. Time. Time is spent. You choose how you spend it. If only we had an account we could see with our eyes that showed us the balance trickling down with every choice we make. Will I spend these moments on gratitude? Will I spend them looking into the eyes of my children? Will I lose precious minutes staring at the computer screen, or will I spend them with my sweet husband? Either way, once they are spent, there is no getting them back.

I wash the counters and drift into thoughts of the future. We really cannot know how long we have here. How many days?

Dinner is in the crock pot now. I call the kids to feed them lunch and in my head I check off the things left "to do" in my day.

Clean the bathroom

Change the sheets

Fold the laundry

Work on photos(always more to do there)

Take a walk? The kids love that...that is a good use of time.

Then it will be *time* for dinner and baths and bedtime stories and sleep. This day flies by...I could use more sleep! Tomorrow is another day.

Time spent.

Standing at the sink in the early morning light, looking out at rain and waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. Stare out that window and think about the day ahead. Dogs shuffle around my feet hoping I am preparing food and crumbs will be in their reach soon. Coffee is done, *time* for quiet and devotional reading and just letting my brain finish waking up. After that, it will be *time* for exercise and a shower and the day will begin...will I choose to spend those moments gently? Or will I give in to the urgency to get things done and allow *time* to hijack my heart and mind until they are roaring down the tracks out of control?

Count out the pills and vitamins one by one, mine and theirs. Set the diffusers up for the day, pour the water, add the oil. Lights on, dogs know the day is coming now and the shuffling gains momentum. Give them their pills too. Wood floor crackles under my feet as I turn on lights and push in chairs.

Set up the toaster, set out the cups, pour the milk, grab the eggos from the freezer...the day is gaining momentum now. 

Standing at the sink staring out...deep breath. Call the kids, negotiate clothing for the one who isn't quite able yet to do it all alone.

*Time* for breakfast. All of the thoughts that have stored up in their minds over night while we were apart are spilling out now in a rush. Is that because I rush? Deep breath, slow down. "Slow down honey, I am listening."  Comb the hair, help with stubborn shirt sleeves. Direct em to the table between mouthfuls of words and a flurry of thoughts.

Breakfast is over, move on to the next thing...and the next and the next. 

Fast forward. More time spent.

Standing at the sink, staring out at those clouds. Glad I got them out Monday while it was sunny! Load breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and wipe down counter tops. *Time* to feed the dogs, you'd think I had starved them! Break up a fight between kids, finish the kitchen mess and move to the vacuum to get a days dust and dog hair off of the floor. Call kids to the table to color/paint/play with sand/whatever it takes to stop the arguing.

Floor is clean. Kids are moving outside to play as the clouds broke up and the sun came out.

Time spent
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Standing at the sink, staring out at my kids in the yard. Am I doing this right? Am I giving them what they need from me most? How do I break the chains we have already passed down to them? Where do I sign up to fight for their hearts? Stare at the glass jars in front of me, colors glowing in the sunlight...no cracks, a few chips...hoping we can love them well and teach them of their beauty. Help them learn to glow in the colors that only they can share with our world. 

Break up another argument...this time over a ball. "Time to come in, lets find something else to do!"

Clean the bathroom, change the laundry, check dinner in the crock pot. 

Braid the girly's hair, *getting low on the spray, need to mix up a new batch*, brush teeth, find socks, help with her jacket. The bus will be here any moment. She wants to pick flowers and mess with the bees out front. We sit on the wall and sort rocks instead. The bus arrives and takes her away to another day with her friends at school. A break from our home life.  She looks forward to these breaks. "Is it preschool today mommy?" ...there is always a smile when I say "yes, there is preschool today honey."

Wave goodbye, blow kisses, watch the bus pull away. Turn back to the house...we really need to get moving on the repairs. But, this is not the moment for that. One foot in front of the other back in through the door.  Maybe we will take a walk now.

Time spent.

Standing at the sink staring out at blue skies. Gratitude washes over me as I look at the bright colors of our play set in the sunlight. Watch the dogs chase and bark and play. My son is sitting at the table eating lunch and singing a song he made up in his head. My mind turns to thoughts of his future...I hope the song never leaves him.

Time to change sheets. Time spent.

Standing at the sink staring out at the colors of sunset stretching across the sky. Dinner is over, kids are downstairs watching a show together and(for the moment) not fighting. Dogs have been fed, Dishes are done. Wipe the counters and note the creak in our newish kitchen floor. Shouldn't' be creaking so soon. Another day is wrapping up. I need to find clean pajamas and get ready to cover the bedtime routine soon. 

Stories and kisses and giggles and blankets. Lights out. I love you. Goodnight, sweet dreams!

Time spent.

Standing at the sink, staring out at the black and the few lights left on by neighbors late into the night. Tomorrow is another day. Am I doing it right? Am I loving them enough? Do they know how amazing they are? I hope they know how amazing they are...

Check the doors, check the kids, watch the sweet sleeping faces for a few seconds and lift prayers to Abba for them. 

Lights out. Time to pray over our home for the night. Sleep is coming. Tomorrow is another day.

Time spent. Hopefully time well spent.